15 Troubleshooting Steps to Incidents Involving Beer

nobody@vox.com(Matt) — Fri, 16 May 2008 14:26:39 -0700

Well, me and my buds bought a few beers in celebration of one of my friends' birthday. Okay, when I meant few, I meant enough to get everybody real drunk. Anyway, as much as I want to write about the funny stuff that happened that night I guess these troubleshooting steps I found from this website will do. Note: these stuff work better when you're in a bar.

Beer Spill

SYMPTOM: Your feet are cold and wet.
FAULT: You're holding the glass at a wrong angle or it's inverted. Beer just spilled on your feet (or pants).
ACTION: Rotate the glass so that the open end points toward the ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Your feet are warm and wet.
FAULT: Uhh, dude, I think you just peed.
ACTION: Stand next to the nearest dog you can find and complain about house training. (That should save you the embarrassment).

SYMPTOM: Beer is unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Check your glass - chances are it's already empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Fallen Backward

SYMPTOM:The opposite wall is covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backwards. That's the ceiling you are looking at.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to the bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to the bar.

SYMPTOM: Beer is tasteless. The front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Two things: One, you may have forgotten to open your mouth to drink. Two, you may have been trying to drink with another part of your face (like the nose).
ACTION: Retire to the restroom and practice in front of the mirror.

Fallen Forward

SYMPTOM: The floor is blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: The floor is moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Try to find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: The room seems to be unusually dark.
FAULT: The bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm your home address with the bartender.

SYMPTOM: The taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover your mouth. Man, that's sick.

SYMPTOM: Everyone is looking up to you and smiling.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: The beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Your hands and nose hurts. Your mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: You don't recognize anyone or you don't recognize the room you are in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: Check to see if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

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15 Troubleshooting Steps to Incidents Involving Beer